quit imperial clinical laboratories, dropped out of college for a while, bummed around and wallowed in self pity, picked up and tossed around by a lady friend, engaged in sins and luxury beyond my remaining salary, what's infidelity's limit?, broke into anger over a boy, broke into anger over a girl, broke into anger over nothing, broke into sadness over everything, turned into happiness over hand-holding, a roller coaster of polar emotions, an odd implementation of strange experimentation, received broken anger from a girl, time to think during bouts of silence, the silence grows too long and my eyes grow weary, my body aches and i'm growing weary, i am weary, the silence no longer helps, turning to a quick fix to alleviate stress, stress bears down on me 24/7, fatigue bears down on me 24/7, next step: alleviate stress, bound anger towards mother; biting lips, out of the house to drive to nowhere, mediate and meditate upon my thoughts, next step: alleviate stress, silence no longer helps, my body has become a temple of silence, i sleep too long yet never enough, i rest quite well but am still quite restless, sleep has become overrated, i sleep, i don't sleep, i sleep, i don't sleep, i take walks, i take drives, i take trips, i take longer trips, long listless nights away from home, asleep parked on the side of the road; at the park, wandering the streets staring at my feet, 'what am i thinking of? i'm thinking about it..', the girl is angry, i am vulnerable, the girl attacks, i'm too fragile to defend, i break down shaking, she comforts me, i feel better, next step: alleviate stress, the stars are blinded, enrolled in some classes, saw the light, saw the future; its pretty damn dark, dropped out of classes, saw through to nothing, i'm wandering again, i'm nowhere yet i'm here, i still find no comfort in sleep, she's mine and i am hers, i am still hers but nowhere near her, i find a job that pays quite fine, sleepless nights pay, next step: alleviate stress, final step: realize the terrible habit that has grown, my lungs are now pulluted.., work is fine, work is dandy, work is long, work is tiring, work, work, work, smoke, work, work, work, work, tension builds once more, i explode, words to threats to promises, mother and i will never be the same, my left hand is fractured; the floor was too hard for my frustration, i feel to be moving ahead, i'm past her, i'm beyond her, am i normally always this way?, i'm still weary, i'm still disgusted, i'm still wondering, i'm almost forgetting, my conscience keeps reminding, i'm with another, work becomes tiring, she complains, i wonder, she complains some more, i retaliate, we fight, its bothersome, we're alone, we're together, work scratches at my nerves, my paycheck keeps me alive, alleviate stress, ponder school, dream and dream and wake up shaking, i am nowhere again but heading somewhere, i am happy but only for moments above my view, i have no plans and much too much time, and i find myself finding sleep so odd, i'm uncomfortable, i'm delayable, i'm disagreeable, i am buzzed, 'God, why have you left me..', slur out words i don't mean yet have so much faith in, i take a hit, my vision slows, my arms slow, my finger is fractured, my music, my art, my passions are dying, go to church, sin some more, feel guilty and decide: 'i am the courageous face of heaven and hell, take me where i need, i am humbled by my fate', buddhism once more, i truly am humbled, it tugs at me at times and times, but it's alright, it's ok, it's kind of alright, it's kind of ok, its not really alright, its not really ok, feel weak and helpless, regret my decisions, try to make new ones, weep over my inability to change and help the world, weep a bit more, feeling better, feeling stronger, i have initiative, i like being good, i'm trying all my best, but again i feel it tugging, its an invisible string to nowhere, i take a long drive; its all routine by now, and after all that, i take a long drag and enjoy a good smoke.
oh geeze, how time changes, but don't take this the wrong way, i'm not miserable. i'm actually quite dandy, really, :3